Eat this on the golf course, not that

The venerable Golf Digest is running an article entitled "17 Super Foods That Make Easy On-Course Snacks". Many words in that title appeal to my interests, so I naturally checked it out.

I know it's hard times for the print media business, but still I was not prepared for what I read in this "list". Things like #3: "garlic edamame". Okay so boiled soybean pods might be nutritious and wholesome, but eating them tends to produce a lot of scraps, which tends to make them a not-so-great food for the course. Not sure I like where this list is going.

#4: "Apple pie spiced wonton chips"? I am no nutrition expert but goddammit--wonton skins are not a superfood. FUCK. Now I'm getting upset. Listen, store-bought wonton skins ain't nothing but white flour a.k.a. glutinous carbs a.k.a. THE ENEMY of all that's wholesome and nutritious. And I got news for you: nutritionally, these things are NOT better than a candy bar, as GD claims. They're worse! A regular Snickers bar is light years better for you than this empty-calorie crap. This article is now bordering on GD irresponsible if you ask me.

Next on the list, #5: "baked kale chips"? I like kale okay, I probably eat more of it than you do, and I have actually baked up some of it before, but again, this is a good on-course snack how? Kale, they say has many wonderful nutritional properties, but one thing it's not good at is calories. Foods like kale appeal to many people because they are low in calories. Next thing you are going to tell me I should be putting celery and cabbage in my golf bag.

FUCK. I'm pacing around the room now. What's making me so mad at this point is the feeling that this crap was not even written by someone who plays actual golf. Kale chips might be a lo-cal nice snack, as is popcorn, for grazing while watching a movie. Watching sports. Not an energy consumptive activity like playing golf. For all the chewing and digesting of leafy greens, you don't get much back in the way of fuel. I don't know about you Golf Digest, but when I put something in my mouth on the golf course, it's for the sake of providing energy, which tends to get expended in the participation of this activity.

#8: "Lemon hummus". Even if I was the world's biggest hummus fan, I would still shit on this idea. How and why would I attempt to enjoy my favorite dip in the middle of a golf round. Where do I even put it? What if it's really hot out? Or really cold? This so-called suggestion leaves me with way more questions than answers. Thanks once again for nothing Golf Digest. Yecch--I can't even look at you right now.

#10/11: "Granola/granola bars". Okay, maybe not the worst choice, but still a) granola was played out a hundred years ago and 2) who didn't already know about granola. Granola bars are essentially dried fruits and nuts (which I like) with some shitty oats thrown in there with some sort of sticky substance to bind it all, and then pressed and cut into rationed units. Why bother? Just throw some of your own fruits and nuts into a goddamn ziplock baggie and call it a life.

#12: "Frozen blueberries covered in yogurt". Nothing Golf Digest could write at this point can surprise me. I will believe nothing, I will expect nothing.

#14: "Baked carrot chips". Why it's good for golfers: Because you might want a chip and this one provides vitamin A for healthy eyes, so you can track your shot from tee to green.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I will just say that this kind of take on nutrition and the function of nutrients like vitamin A is not even fit for fucking Highlights magazine. I'm sorry, the language is getting out of control.

#16: "Beef jerky". Somewhere in the middle of this abortion, I keep thinking Okay, out of "17 Super Foods", Golf Digest is bound to get at least ONE right, and sure enough with the second-to-last item we finally get a snack that is dense with protein, minimal in size and easy to eat--a smart choice for an efficient mid-round snack. Still, they manage to botch the whole suggestion by accompanying it with a weird, time- and labor-intensive beef jerky "recipe" which in the interest of food safety I would recommend you don't try.

Now for #17, the final item in this wonderful list (good, because this isn't fun anymore. This turned out to be nothing short of an attack on common sense.) What else? Popcorn! A fitting end. Oh yeah! Let's take empty carbs, sprinkle with butter, oil, salt and cheese, then take it to the course and proceed to get this all over our gloves, grips and balls.

------------

Listen, it doesn't take a nutrition genius to break this down. Golf is like most other sports in that it doesn't afford you a lot of time or energy for fine dining. You need snacks that are nutrient-dense, fit easily in your bag, and don't cause any mess or hassle. It is why no actual golfer in the history of the world has ever said the words "Let's bring hummus to the golf course today!"

I won't insult your intelligence. I'll stay out of this fray except to point out what works for me. As far as I see it the options are limited, especially if you want to keep things whole and wholesome. I pick one from each of these groups:

-nut group (peanuts, almonds, walnuts... listen I know a peanut is technically not a nut, don't be an asshole.)
-fruit group (raisins, dried cranberries, apricots, figs, etc.)
-meat group (beef, pork, buffalo, turkey, fish, etc.)

I know, pretty boring. Not exactly a plethora of choices. But hey, first world problems. You can always hit the buffet line after the round.

Anyways, let's get back to the real issue here. I am writing this not so much as a kind of nutritional public service--which it is--but more to point out... Who the heck would print such a wacked out, know-nothing article under the auspice of "golf instruction" and expect to get away with it?

Two things are clear to us now: 1) whatever respect Golf Digest might have previously had for its readers, is now completely gone, and B) this once-respected publication has now devolved into pure airport magazine-stand drivel, is useless to actual golfers, and is most likely circling the drain operations-wise. The demise of a long-running business is almost always a shame, but if it's gonna mean more lies articles like these, the sooner the better.